As fall approaches, the temperature drops, daylight is shortened, and kids return to school, it’s helpful to remember how changes in life can socially influence us and others.
Relational aggression seems to heighten during transitional periods, especially at the adolescent level, as kids advance in grade levels and go back to school. A lot can happen during the summer break. It can be a convenient time to alter or dissolve friendships for many reasons—Maybe a girl doesn’t know how or is scared to end a relationship and uses the break to ignore a friend. Because girls don’t have to see each other every day, it’s easier to avoid communication. One girl might get dumped from her group while another is brought on board to replace her. Maybe she crossed unknown territory by dating an “off-limits” guy who she met at the mall. Maybe her friends became envious after she went on vacation and posted all of her pictures on Facebook. Maybe the group felt as if she didn’t spend enough time with them. Maybe she was viewed as too strong or just plain annoying. There are too many summer scenarios to name that can cause girls to be targets of social aggression in the new school year.
Even adults can see and feel this when they switch churches or jobs, get a promotion, move to a different community, or return from a vacation. Anytime transitions like these occur, social networks can shift and therefore power dynamics can be altered, allowing opportunity for RA.
Preparing to be targeted after a transition, by simply recognizing that it might occur, can help you avoid the stress and headache of trying to figure out questions like, “What did I do to her/them!?” and “Why am I being excluded or looked down upon?” Know that you don’t have to get down on yourself for not fitting in or for being harassed, and know that the treatment you’re receiving has less to do with you, personally, and more to do with other people adapting to change within their social spheres.
Have faith that people will eventually come around if they are given the time to adjust, even if it seems to come at your own emotional expense. However, if the RA escalates, don’t disregard it as insignificant drama. Take a stand by being direct and documenting and communicating incidences to school administrators, teachers, parents, and/or authorities (and adults to supervisors and your Human Resources department).
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Dealing with Fakeness
One of the biggest complaints I hear from girls is that they often feel as if other girls are acting fake. They say things like, “She’s nice to me when teachers and parents are around but when they leave she goes back to acting mean and hanging around the same people.” Fakeness angers girls because they see it played out, right in front of them, yet indirectly. It comes from double-edged, two-faced, dishonest actions like taking back apologies, breaking promises, truth-twisting, or indecisiveness in friendships. These kinds of behaviors leave girls distrustful and wary of participating in solid, meaningful future relationships. I should know … I’m that girl-who-got-burned, turned always-assuming, ever-suspicious woman—a role that continues to bring me many social frustrations.
Recently, I ran into one of my old basketball teammates at a function for my dad’s business. I hadn’t seen her since high school, and I certainly didn’t expect to see her now, cheerfully calling my name. I was on my way to get a Coke, and she was in my path to the beverage troughs. I knew I couldn’t avoid her, so I approached openly and politely, surrendering to her how-are-yous and what-have-you-been-up-tos, yet immediately questioning her motive. It seemed so effortless and normal for her to speak to me. As she stood gathered around three other people, all I could think of was my last memory of her … It was senior year. We were in the locker-room after our final game in the state tournament. While several of our teammates stood around, unnecessarily screaming at me for supposedly losing the game and ruining the season, she stood staring at me, speechless. That was right before I told everyone to [blank, blank, blank] and ran out in tears. Her face was the last image I saw, and it’s still stuck in my memory.
There at the business event, whether she knew it or not, it was difficult for me to talk to her. My pain resurfaced. Maybe we didn’t share the exact same reflection, but I was sure she remembered the incident, and I longed for her to articulate authenticity regarding it. I wanted her to come up to me, step outside her audience, and have a real conversation about that last memory, but she never did. All the while, I kept my distance and struggled with what I needed to do to effectively express myself as a forgiving Christian. A few times, I caught sight of her out on the dance floor, free spiritedly letting loose. I couldn’t ward off the resentment that festered inside me. I thought, “That’s it?! That’s all you’re going to say to me?! Did you impress the people who you are with? Make them think you could never do wrong?” I was convinced she was keeping herself occupied so she didn’t have to have that in-depth conversation with me. And at that moment, I viewed her as a fake.
It took a few days before my head cooled. My mom helped dismiss my negative, paranoid assumptions and reminded me of how I, myself, wouldn’t want to be judged if I were in my old teammate’s position. So many of us say, “Don’t judge me,” then we turn around and do a superb job of judging others, just as I was doing now. To some extent, judgment is natural, but we must not allow ourselves to get carried away in destructive emotion. That weekend, I knew I was getting carried away when I was overcome with anger, when I began making jabs toward my old teammate, and when I thought I knew much more than I actually did.
The truth was that I didn’t know my teammate’s intentions, and I had no empathy toward her. I think it’s difficult for people to approach someone who they know has been hurt. I didn’t consider that this young woman might be nervous or why she might be nervous, or whether she was simply trying to move into a more serious discussion, or if I was completely off and she was genuinely being nice to me. Instead, I allowed my previous associations with her to play into my present feelings toward her. I got critical, and I most likely misinterpreted her actions. Only through stepping away from the experience was I able to analyze my own emotions, and determine what kind of future results I wanted to work toward.
Many of us can sense, what we feel, is fakeness in others. Much of the time, it’s instinctual, and it just might be a good idea to go with our guts so we don’t get played (at least not too often). However, we also have to strive to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when we, ourselves, are hurting. We have to ask ourselves why we feel the other person is acting fake … Is it really because she/he has obvious issues with being real? Or is it because our own preconceived emotions and perceptions guide us toward this view? Is it because the other person doesn’t understand our boundaries? Has she been held accountable to respect our boundaries? Is it because proper, direct communication isn’t implemented?
I know I certainly didn’t do a good job of letting my teammate know my boundaries and needs. My current downfall is that I feel that because I made the first move through writing my book and publicly tackling this issue, others should respond to me. The trouble is that my first move doesn’t obligate anyone to reply. If I want a response, I have to ask for it instead of standing back and making judgments. The next time, I come in contact with this old teammate, I hope we’ll have much more to talk about, provided the environment permits discussion. Thank God for experiences like these—experiences that help me prepare for future run-ins, slow my assumptions, and strive for a better understanding of others.
Recently, I ran into one of my old basketball teammates at a function for my dad’s business. I hadn’t seen her since high school, and I certainly didn’t expect to see her now, cheerfully calling my name. I was on my way to get a Coke, and she was in my path to the beverage troughs. I knew I couldn’t avoid her, so I approached openly and politely, surrendering to her how-are-yous and what-have-you-been-up-tos, yet immediately questioning her motive. It seemed so effortless and normal for her to speak to me. As she stood gathered around three other people, all I could think of was my last memory of her … It was senior year. We were in the locker-room after our final game in the state tournament. While several of our teammates stood around, unnecessarily screaming at me for supposedly losing the game and ruining the season, she stood staring at me, speechless. That was right before I told everyone to [blank, blank, blank] and ran out in tears. Her face was the last image I saw, and it’s still stuck in my memory.
There at the business event, whether she knew it or not, it was difficult for me to talk to her. My pain resurfaced. Maybe we didn’t share the exact same reflection, but I was sure she remembered the incident, and I longed for her to articulate authenticity regarding it. I wanted her to come up to me, step outside her audience, and have a real conversation about that last memory, but she never did. All the while, I kept my distance and struggled with what I needed to do to effectively express myself as a forgiving Christian. A few times, I caught sight of her out on the dance floor, free spiritedly letting loose. I couldn’t ward off the resentment that festered inside me. I thought, “That’s it?! That’s all you’re going to say to me?! Did you impress the people who you are with? Make them think you could never do wrong?” I was convinced she was keeping herself occupied so she didn’t have to have that in-depth conversation with me. And at that moment, I viewed her as a fake.
It took a few days before my head cooled. My mom helped dismiss my negative, paranoid assumptions and reminded me of how I, myself, wouldn’t want to be judged if I were in my old teammate’s position. So many of us say, “Don’t judge me,” then we turn around and do a superb job of judging others, just as I was doing now. To some extent, judgment is natural, but we must not allow ourselves to get carried away in destructive emotion. That weekend, I knew I was getting carried away when I was overcome with anger, when I began making jabs toward my old teammate, and when I thought I knew much more than I actually did.
The truth was that I didn’t know my teammate’s intentions, and I had no empathy toward her. I think it’s difficult for people to approach someone who they know has been hurt. I didn’t consider that this young woman might be nervous or why she might be nervous, or whether she was simply trying to move into a more serious discussion, or if I was completely off and she was genuinely being nice to me. Instead, I allowed my previous associations with her to play into my present feelings toward her. I got critical, and I most likely misinterpreted her actions. Only through stepping away from the experience was I able to analyze my own emotions, and determine what kind of future results I wanted to work toward.
Many of us can sense, what we feel, is fakeness in others. Much of the time, it’s instinctual, and it just might be a good idea to go with our guts so we don’t get played (at least not too often). However, we also have to strive to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when we, ourselves, are hurting. We have to ask ourselves why we feel the other person is acting fake … Is it really because she/he has obvious issues with being real? Or is it because our own preconceived emotions and perceptions guide us toward this view? Is it because the other person doesn’t understand our boundaries? Has she been held accountable to respect our boundaries? Is it because proper, direct communication isn’t implemented?
I know I certainly didn’t do a good job of letting my teammate know my boundaries and needs. My current downfall is that I feel that because I made the first move through writing my book and publicly tackling this issue, others should respond to me. The trouble is that my first move doesn’t obligate anyone to reply. If I want a response, I have to ask for it instead of standing back and making judgments. The next time, I come in contact with this old teammate, I hope we’ll have much more to talk about, provided the environment permits discussion. Thank God for experiences like these—experiences that help me prepare for future run-ins, slow my assumptions, and strive for a better understanding of others.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Approachability
When I was in college and still acquainted with a best friend from high school, she told me that a good friend from our past, who had betrayed me, was stressed because he wanted to approach me but didn’t know how.
Brent was not only my former best guy friend, but he was a relative by marriage—my dad’s step brother. We met each other at my grandpa’s bonfire when we were four years old, and for the next thirteen years, we were next-door neighbors who grew up more like siblings. However, as high school seniors, and in the heat of my being bullied, Brent aligned with my aggressors and chose popularity over our friendship and my family. Our nearly inseparable bond was completely shattered, and we never spoke again. This incident caused more conflict within my family than anyone knows. For a few years, it separated a father and son.
Ultimately, Brent decided not to approach me because he had come to the conclusion that my family and I would erupt in anger. At that time, had Brent come around, I’m not sure how my family and I would’ve reacted—most likely with mixed emotions. But obviously he knew there was justification for anger. Brent felt the burden of his actions and rather than deal with that burden he, instead, tried to position blame on me and my family. I’ve seen this tactic used by aggressors so much that many of them actually start to believe everyone else is at fault except themselves.
Over the past 10 years, I have prayed Brent has taken time to analyze and grow. While he still hasn’t approached me, I hope someday he will feel comfortable enough to do so. I have no doubt that we will speak again, possibly in the near future.
After publicly opening myself to discussing this subject and my own experiences, I can only think of about two people who have approached me and directly addressed our shared relationally aggressive experiences. It’s frustrating to see so many people hide from this issue. I’m not. I’m not boorishly demanding answers or apologies, but neither am I passive or contained. “For God didn’t give [me] a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7) I’m incredibly intentional, candid and understanding in my efforts, and I am always looking for others who are willing to approach me with similar empathy and openness.
I know it can be extremely difficult, challenging, and stressful to talk about mistakes and pain. It’s not as if I, myself, am necessarily comfortable talking to or even looking at the people who caused me and my family emotional strife. But I feel that I must work through the tension if I am to develop in the ways Christ has called. I must press through my fears and apprehensions and continue to approach issues if I am to achieve higher social standards.
If you too long to be approached by someone who has hurt you, you must reiterate to yourself that just because you’re willing to move doesn’t mean the other person is eager to do the same. Some people don’t want to or feel no reason to talk, they aren’t willing to look at their roles in the issue, and they will constantly prejudge and misconceive. Some people are simply at a loss. They don’t know how to go about the conversation (even after you write a book and give them a thousand places to start). They have no idea how to approach you, and they are fearful of your response, because they know they did you wrong. Other people are absolutely clueless that they should approach you. Yet, thankfully, at some point in your life, there will be a few, special, independent thinkers who will come to you with heartfelt authenticity and revelation.
If you find yourself on the other end of this discussion, not knowing how to address someone to whom you’ve acted relationally aggressive, you must first decide whether or not to approach. In potentially unhealthy, physically threatening situations, perhaps it’s better to avoid any type of confrontation. On the other hand, if the thought has ever bounced around in your mind and you find the problem workable, perhaps you should consider taking action.
If you choose to approach someone you’ve hurt, don’t simply think of your own emotions and how the action or outcome will make you feel. Think of how your approach and response will affect the other party, too. Be willing to objectively look at whether you’ve stepped out of your experience long enough to study your own mistakes, even if you feel you did nothing wrong. If you have difficulty doing this, you might want to consult with some trusted friends, family members, or a professional counselor who can help you analyze your position.
Dream-up how your confrontation will play out, and be specific in creating your aura. Think of how your demeanor, your words, the structure of your sentences, your body language, and your opinion of the other person will affect him/her.
Ask yourself questions like:
Brent was not only my former best guy friend, but he was a relative by marriage—my dad’s step brother. We met each other at my grandpa’s bonfire when we were four years old, and for the next thirteen years, we were next-door neighbors who grew up more like siblings. However, as high school seniors, and in the heat of my being bullied, Brent aligned with my aggressors and chose popularity over our friendship and my family. Our nearly inseparable bond was completely shattered, and we never spoke again. This incident caused more conflict within my family than anyone knows. For a few years, it separated a father and son.
Ultimately, Brent decided not to approach me because he had come to the conclusion that my family and I would erupt in anger. At that time, had Brent come around, I’m not sure how my family and I would’ve reacted—most likely with mixed emotions. But obviously he knew there was justification for anger. Brent felt the burden of his actions and rather than deal with that burden he, instead, tried to position blame on me and my family. I’ve seen this tactic used by aggressors so much that many of them actually start to believe everyone else is at fault except themselves.
Over the past 10 years, I have prayed Brent has taken time to analyze and grow. While he still hasn’t approached me, I hope someday he will feel comfortable enough to do so. I have no doubt that we will speak again, possibly in the near future.
After publicly opening myself to discussing this subject and my own experiences, I can only think of about two people who have approached me and directly addressed our shared relationally aggressive experiences. It’s frustrating to see so many people hide from this issue. I’m not. I’m not boorishly demanding answers or apologies, but neither am I passive or contained. “For God didn’t give [me] a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7) I’m incredibly intentional, candid and understanding in my efforts, and I am always looking for others who are willing to approach me with similar empathy and openness.
I know it can be extremely difficult, challenging, and stressful to talk about mistakes and pain. It’s not as if I, myself, am necessarily comfortable talking to or even looking at the people who caused me and my family emotional strife. But I feel that I must work through the tension if I am to develop in the ways Christ has called. I must press through my fears and apprehensions and continue to approach issues if I am to achieve higher social standards.
If you too long to be approached by someone who has hurt you, you must reiterate to yourself that just because you’re willing to move doesn’t mean the other person is eager to do the same. Some people don’t want to or feel no reason to talk, they aren’t willing to look at their roles in the issue, and they will constantly prejudge and misconceive. Some people are simply at a loss. They don’t know how to go about the conversation (even after you write a book and give them a thousand places to start). They have no idea how to approach you, and they are fearful of your response, because they know they did you wrong. Other people are absolutely clueless that they should approach you. Yet, thankfully, at some point in your life, there will be a few, special, independent thinkers who will come to you with heartfelt authenticity and revelation.
If you find yourself on the other end of this discussion, not knowing how to address someone to whom you’ve acted relationally aggressive, you must first decide whether or not to approach. In potentially unhealthy, physically threatening situations, perhaps it’s better to avoid any type of confrontation. On the other hand, if the thought has ever bounced around in your mind and you find the problem workable, perhaps you should consider taking action.
If you choose to approach someone you’ve hurt, don’t simply think of your own emotions and how the action or outcome will make you feel. Think of how your approach and response will affect the other party, too. Be willing to objectively look at whether you’ve stepped out of your experience long enough to study your own mistakes, even if you feel you did nothing wrong. If you have difficulty doing this, you might want to consult with some trusted friends, family members, or a professional counselor who can help you analyze your position.
Dream-up how your confrontation will play out, and be specific in creating your aura. Think of how your demeanor, your words, the structure of your sentences, your body language, and your opinion of the other person will affect him/her.
Ask yourself questions like:
Will I approach him/her in private rather than in front of a crowd or through Facebook? Do I begin my sentences with “I” rather than “you” and how does that effect conversation?
How much small-talk can I inject into my introduction without seeming fake?
Do I really care about the small-talk I generate?
Where will it leave us if I only address small-talk?
When my adrenaline gets pumpin’, do I get fidgety and distracted?
Do I stand with my arms crossed tightly at my chest? If so, what message does this send?
What do I need to do to center my emotions and control my responses?
Am I capable of speaking in a gentle, nonthreatening tone?
Is my tone genuine or an attempt to evade the real issue?
Will I further alienate him/her? How?
Am I likely to apologize then rescind?
Am I prepared to be rejected?
Am I prepared to be forgiven?
These types of questions can increase approachability on both sides.
In all cases, timing is a major issue. While some of us feel that we justly deserve action and response, we must resist living by our own agendas, and instead surrender to God’s agenda for us and for others. For those of you who have ever felt the need to approach someone and who are living with broken bridges and remorse, I ask, “What are you waiting for? What’s stopping you?” It’s cliché but true: None of us know what will happen from one moment to the next. Allow the Lord to fill you with the courage to effectively speak to those you have wounded. Then, swallow the lump in your throat and seek relational mending.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
You Are Not Who They Say You Are
In your relationships, people will say mean things about you and do mean things to you. They will criticize and pass judgment on you. They will hurt your feelings. Their words and actions will leave lasting impressions.
Lately, I've remembered several comments made toward me in my early youth, and all these years later, the words still sting and inflict insecuirty.
A few evenings ago, my husband brushed a little piece of hair behind my ear and commented on how it's his favorite part of my hair. I shied away because someone had once called my "wings" sideburns and related them to a man's haircut. The remark made me feel ugly and impure. And although I no longer feel this way, to this day, I always make sure the pieces of hair are brushed or hairsprayed back. I see it as my attempt to prevent others from making me feel the same ugliness that I felt at that moment as a child.
Another one of my long-lasting sensitivities arose in middle school, at a friend's sleepover. I remember that a few of the girls were down in the basement, and the rest of us were lying on the floor at the top of the stairs with our feet propped up on a wall. One of my friends said that my toes looked like bananas and then the rest of the girls laughed. My face turned red with anger, and the girls gave me a hard time for it. I wanted to cry, but I held back tears. Now, as an adult, I love to wear flip-flops and sandals, but nearly every time I look at my toes, I am reminded of my friend's comment and of those who have made similar comments since. I actually like my toes, but I get upset when people call them "banana toes" or "long toes." I still don't understand why people have to point-out others' physical appearance, as I consider it distasteful and rude to tell someone her/her body or clothes don't live up to or fit into society's idea of perfection.
There are a number of other examples I could reel off. Many people assume that because I was never the overweight, smelly, awkward kid that I never got picked on or bullied, but I did. And it seems as if everyone has similar stories or hidden scars.
I understand that most people view this as "kids being kids," but I want to make sure that this entry is not focused upon debating that stance or even reasoning aggression. This entry is for the people who have been verbally and psychologically tormented, whether it is from a pain you have carried with you from childhood or from a more sophisticated, organized, and calcuated attack in adulthood. This is for those whose reputations have been damaged or destroyed, who have been labeled the "town [fill in the blank]," who have been ostracized from their friendship circles or run out of their communities, who have a difficult time forgetting the name-calling, betrayal, and hateful glares, because they still encounter the people who behave no differently than they did as adolescents.
Perhaps these aggressors might view you the same way they did in the past. You don't have to agree with their bullying, but you must accept the fact that you have no control over the choices they make. You do, however, have control over the choices you make.
In my own personal experience, when I return to my hometown, no matter how many dirty looks and under-the-breath remarks are made when I enter a restaurant or go to the grocery store, I have concluded that even if people think they know me, I know that I am not who they say I am.
They don't know me, they haven't in quite a while, and maybe they never really did (and vice versa). Despite having written a very personal book that is intended to encourage readers' self-examination, I know the people from my past cannot possibly grasp the fullness of what occured in my life and heart. I have realized that no matter how much I desire to postively influence these people, I am not meant to reach all of them. Thankfully, I now know there are reasons behind their RA, personal reasons that don't have much, if anything, to do with me. I know that regardless of their actions, I don't want to be that hypocrite who wrote a book, instructing readers to forgive and love, but doesn't work to fulfill my own words, which stem from God's Word. I don't want to be that person who recites Bible verses but doesn't back them up. I am an incredibly intentional person, and through my writing, I have challenged myself to uphold the values that I believe in, and, hopefully, inspire others to believe in what I believe in. That is how I have control over the choices I make. I focus on what I can do, on the actions God requires me to take, instead of on what my aggressors do to or say about me.
I know I am not who they say I am, and you don't have to be who they say you are. Whether you have carried someone's wounding words from childhood into adulthood, or you feel as if you can't peacefully return to your hometown community, or you're stuck in a town or a family in which you can't escape the wrath of relational aggression and judgment, you can still rise up from the mocking nicknames and a tattered reputation by allowing Christ to heal your social bruises. In Him, our images are beautiful and highly regarded. We are viewed from a perspective that no person could ever fully see--the only perspective that ultimately matters.
May the following verses help you know that you are not who they say you are, but you are strengthened and shielded by Christ:
Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side-by-side with those who were so treated ... So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised ... We are not those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. --Hebrews 10: 32-39
We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has give us. --Romans 5: 3-5
Friday, May 15, 2009
The Compliments & Praise Task
I don't know about you, but I find that compliments and praise are hard to come by. It seems as if people are far more likely to directly or indirect tear each other down rather than build each other up--especially females because we are incredibly judgmental of each other. The Bible gives us a lot of direction about how we are to talk to and about one another. So, for the next week, I challenge you to encourage at least one person daily. This could be a stranger, someone with whom you experience difficulty, or simply someone who might need a pick-me-up.
I know this might be uncomfortable for some of you. Although I work as a personal fitness trainer and it's my job to dish out compliments and inspiration to each and every client, I, too, am uncomfortable with stepping outside my career-box and approaching people who I don't know and who might reject my efforts. However, as a Christian, I understand that I am called to behave in this manner, not simply because the Word instructs me to do so, but because I comprehend the reasoning and results of this behavior. Please keep in mind that I'm not asking you to act fake. Rather, think about how compliments and praise make you feel and extend that warmth to someone else.
May the following verses help you accomplish this task:
Proverbs 27:9
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.
Proverbs 31:8
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves...
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up
Hebrews 3:13
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.
Hebrews 10:23-25
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Once you've completed this endeavor, please encourage the rest of us by telling us about your experiences.
Be a blessing,
Tami
I know this might be uncomfortable for some of you. Although I work as a personal fitness trainer and it's my job to dish out compliments and inspiration to each and every client, I, too, am uncomfortable with stepping outside my career-box and approaching people who I don't know and who might reject my efforts. However, as a Christian, I understand that I am called to behave in this manner, not simply because the Word instructs me to do so, but because I comprehend the reasoning and results of this behavior. Please keep in mind that I'm not asking you to act fake. Rather, think about how compliments and praise make you feel and extend that warmth to someone else.
May the following verses help you accomplish this task:
Proverbs 27:9
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.
Proverbs 31:8
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves...
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up
Hebrews 3:13
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.
Hebrews 10:23-25
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Once you've completed this endeavor, please encourage the rest of us by telling us about your experiences.
Be a blessing,
Tami
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Schools CAN Take Action
A few weeks ago, I shared a shortened version of my story with students at a small, county school is south central Ohio. The kids responded as kids usually respond. A few of them asked questions and more of them sat and stared with those restrained expressions, looks that seemed to say they were about to explode with inquiry and/or heartache but also that they weren't willing to share just at that moment, place or around those people--the very people who might laugh at their speaking up or go tell others about the crybaby snitch who stayed behind to talk. Even the slightest show of support for a topic such as bullying could mean social suicide for a student.
Although I carry a youthful presence as a petite, 5'2", 27 year-old and am sometimes mistaken for a new student, it takes me weeks and sometimes months to build trust with teenagers. They'll talk--eventually--because so many of them crave emotional release to a trusted adult.
When I first began The Triumph Organization, I possessed no desire to work within the education system. My goal was to focus on the Church. However, once I started marketing my book and Triumph, I found God consistently nudging me toward those loud, crowded hallways, cliquey cafeterias, and judgmentally-filled gym bleachers. I feared the resistance of girls. I feared they wouldn't listen to me, that they would be those same girls I had known in high school, who would condemn me for everything from my outfit to my southern Ohio, hillbilly twang. Yet, as I entered into this arena, I was instantly mistaken by my own insecurity.
Over the course of the last two years, I've spoken to thousands of people about RA, and with the exception of only a few encounters with mean-spirited, unmoved Queen Bees and their followings, I've found that girls latch hold of this topic like they've been waiting for someone to tell them about it their entire lives. I see this when, during my talks, girls lean out of their seats, eyebrows raised, to get a "who does that sound like" reaction from a friend sitting across the room. They zone-in on my every sentence.
Girls want this. One-hundred percent of Triumph's workshop post-feedback forms indicate that girls want me to come speak at their schools. They want to read literature that addresses RA. They want direction in dealing with their friendship dramas. Unfortunately, they are constantly bombarded with contradictory images that tell them gossiping about and fighting with other girls is normal, vital and even sexy. And when they see and hear their parents, teachers and other adults failing to set an example and instead actively participating in RA (some just as much as adolescents), girls face no choice but to accept it and partake in it, to thrive on others' downfalls and gun for those who are determined to achieve success or pose some type of problem or competition.
This is unacceptable to me. I know we live in a culture that argues gossip is freedom of speech and lack of morals is simply freedom of expression. This attitude gives our school systems the right to say, "We can't do anything to prevent gossiping or backstabbing," "This behavior is just girls being girls [kids being kids]," "It's totally up to parents to teach their children," and "It's too late to reach these teenagers now." I've heard it all before. I heard it while I was a student. I currently hear it from those within the schools I attempt to enter. And I hear it from girls who come to me, time-and-time again, to vent about the adults who don't listen. Frankly, I think this is bull. It's bull that I heard it. It's bull that people use these ignorant excuses. And it's bull that one-third of students feel disregarded when addressing issues of bullying. (Garbarino & deLara, And Words Can Hurt Forever)
I know there are educators who are motivated to make a difference, and I commend them for their efforts. Sadly, these brave individuals usually stand alone in their school systems. Where I'm from, they're surrounded by good ol' boys and girls who adamantly avoid rocking the socially political boats of their school districts, who go along to get along, who refuse to implement preventative programs, and who condone the behavior directly or indirectly by not taking action and participating in RA themselves.
I understand that a student cannot necessarily be put in detention or suspended for hearsay, for deciding to betray a friend, or for creating a social alliance that gives a target the silent treatment. However, this does not mean that schools cannot create a healthy atmosphere of respectful and encouragement. Studies show that it takes five years of regular program implementation to change the attitudes of those within a school system (Ophelia Project). It's hard work, and it takes time. It means that teachers first have to educate themselves about RA, why it occurs and how to approach it. They have to be real with themselves and analyze how RA has impacted their own lives, not just as victims but as aggressors and bystanders as well. With increased knowledge, teachers will then be empowered to end negative group conversations within classrooms and hallways instead of obsessing over possible phone calls from aggressors' parents and the relational wrath of the girls whom the system is supposed to have control over. It means administrators and educators can no longer respond with, "Ignore it," "Get over it" and "Move on." It means getting back to getting involved ... Asking a student to stay a few minutes after class to try to empathize and identify with her or his situation or interfering during those catty cafeteria grudge matches. As a student, it's what I would've wanted.
When I was in school, obviously struggling to get through the day, I was never once approached by an educator. No one ever said, "Hey Tami. I know it's rough out there. How ya dealin'? Oh, and if you ever need to talk to someone, you're welcome to come find me." Every educator who I sought empathy and counsel from wrote me off. My principal basically told me I was imagining my bullying. My guidance counselor told me to ignore it and that I was crazy to think of home schooling. My coach said we were too far into the season to start dealing with my problems. And some of my teachers actually participated in destructive discussion about me, or they hid behind their newspaper and acted as though they had no desire or power to intervene. Talk about feeling neglected and alone! This is WRONG and not just because it happened to me, but because it happens to kids on a daily basis.
Why should we have such apathy toward adolescent social dilemmas? Where is the empathy? Kind gestures and standing up and saying, "Nope, not in my classroom" can really impact students' lives and teach them moral values and leadership skills. If schools could first initiate a basic effort and model of collective compassion, they would be able to deal with the complex intricacies of this issue more easily and productively. They must understand they cannot simply invite an organization like Triumph in for a few hours of work then later respond with, "Well, that was good and informative, but it just didn't stick." Of course it won't stick if there is no reinforcement within the environment!
Educators, I encourage you to meet anti-bullying advocates in the middle of this issue. Please stop making excuses and deal with RA at square one by educating yourself, your peers and your students. Work to be that teacher who isn't concerned with his or her own popularity among the students and faculty and instead set an example and hold others accountable for their relationally aggressive actions.
May God bless those few individuals and schools that succeed at this concept, and may He have mercy on those who don't make an effort, who gather in the teachers' lounge or the main office, unable to control their emotions and tongues, taking time away from or totally disregarding the very students whom they initially set out to encourage and mentor. These "professionals" will be held accountable. (Romans 14:12)
Friday, May 8, 2009
What is Girl Bullying?
Before I start writing more narrowly focused entries, I want to define "girl bullying" for those who might not be familiar with the topic. Girl bullying, also known as "relational aggression" (RA), is a form of indirect, psychological and emotional bullying. It occurs when a group of girls use social relationships to target another girl with hurtful actions such as the following:
- Gossip
- Rumor-spreading
- Backstabbing
- Betrayal
- Exclusion / Isolation
- Silent Treatments
- Name-calling
- Dirty looks (ex. glares and eye-rolls)
- Destructive competition (ex. one-uping)
- Taunts
- Mean laughs
- Inside jokes
- Manipulation
- Lies / Half-truths
- Sending hurtful or embarassing text, picture or video messaging (ex. sexting)
- 3-way calling
- Hurtful status, blog or message postings (ex. on sites like MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, etc.)
- Blackmail
- Sabotage
These types of actions are intended to eliminate the target as some type of problem, threat, competition, frustration, annoyance, etc., and in the process, damage the target's social relationships and reputuation.
These crafty behaviors can easily to undetected by those who are not hip to social structures. And the validity of RA can easily be ignored by those who are in complete denial or who are unwilling to educate themselves about RA or check their own baggage.
Some people think RA is specific only to middle and junior high school aged girls. Yet, this behavior can begin as soon as girls start forming relationships, and it can continue well into adulthood. It not only takes place at school but anywhere relationships can occur--sports teams, sporting events, churches, youth groups, work, among family members, in dating relationships, clubs, Girl Scouts, the mall, parties, etc. From girls to women and boys to men, we can all encounter RA at many different places and on many different levels--as victims, aggressors, reactive aggressors and/or bystanders.
However, RA is most often associated with females because our society teaches girls to perpetually fulfill the ideas of feminity. Rather than instructing girls on how to be respectfully direct with each other when relational complications arise, our society urges girls to be nice, proper and compassionate, all-the-while hiding and bury their anger, hurt, competitiveness, envy, annoyance, etc. As a result, girls use their friendships and relationships to vent emotion, which can easily start a relationally aggressive chain reaction.
For more information on the complexity of this issue, please refer to the source notes in the back of my book, Flying Grounded.
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