Brent was not only my former best guy friend, but he was a relative by marriage—my dad’s step brother. We met each other at my grandpa’s bonfire when we were four years old, and for the next thirteen years, we were next-door neighbors who grew up more like siblings. However, as high school seniors, and in the heat of my being bullied, Brent aligned with my aggressors and chose popularity over our friendship and my family. Our nearly inseparable bond was completely shattered, and we never spoke again. This incident caused more conflict within my family than anyone knows. For a few years, it separated a father and son.
Ultimately, Brent decided not to approach me because he had come to the conclusion that my family and I would erupt in anger. At that time, had Brent come around, I’m not sure how my family and I would’ve reacted—most likely with mixed emotions. But obviously he knew there was justification for anger. Brent felt the burden of his actions and rather than deal with that burden he, instead, tried to position blame on me and my family. I’ve seen this tactic used by aggressors so much that many of them actually start to believe everyone else is at fault except themselves.
Over the past 10 years, I have prayed Brent has taken time to analyze and grow. While he still hasn’t approached me, I hope someday he will feel comfortable enough to do so. I have no doubt that we will speak again, possibly in the near future.
After publicly opening myself to discussing this subject and my own experiences, I can only think of about two people who have approached me and directly addressed our shared relationally aggressive experiences. It’s frustrating to see so many people hide from this issue. I’m not. I’m not boorishly demanding answers or apologies, but neither am I passive or contained. “For God didn’t give [me] a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7) I’m incredibly intentional, candid and understanding in my efforts, and I am always looking for others who are willing to approach me with similar empathy and openness.
I know it can be extremely difficult, challenging, and stressful to talk about mistakes and pain. It’s not as if I, myself, am necessarily comfortable talking to or even looking at the people who caused me and my family emotional strife. But I feel that I must work through the tension if I am to develop in the ways Christ has called. I must press through my fears and apprehensions and continue to approach issues if I am to achieve higher social standards.
If you too long to be approached by someone who has hurt you, you must reiterate to yourself that just because you’re willing to move doesn’t mean the other person is eager to do the same. Some people don’t want to or feel no reason to talk, they aren’t willing to look at their roles in the issue, and they will constantly prejudge and misconceive. Some people are simply at a loss. They don’t know how to go about the conversation (even after you write a book and give them a thousand places to start). They have no idea how to approach you, and they are fearful of your response, because they know they did you wrong. Other people are absolutely clueless that they should approach you. Yet, thankfully, at some point in your life, there will be a few, special, independent thinkers who will come to you with heartfelt authenticity and revelation.
If you find yourself on the other end of this discussion, not knowing how to address someone to whom you’ve acted relationally aggressive, you must first decide whether or not to approach. In potentially unhealthy, physically threatening situations, perhaps it’s better to avoid any type of confrontation. On the other hand, if the thought has ever bounced around in your mind and you find the problem workable, perhaps you should consider taking action.
If you choose to approach someone you’ve hurt, don’t simply think of your own emotions and how the action or outcome will make you feel. Think of how your approach and response will affect the other party, too. Be willing to objectively look at whether you’ve stepped out of your experience long enough to study your own mistakes, even if you feel you did nothing wrong. If you have difficulty doing this, you might want to consult with some trusted friends, family members, or a professional counselor who can help you analyze your position.
Dream-up how your confrontation will play out, and be specific in creating your aura. Think of how your demeanor, your words, the structure of your sentences, your body language, and your opinion of the other person will affect him/her.
Ask yourself questions like:
Will I approach him/her in private rather than in front of a crowd or through Facebook? Do I begin my sentences with “I” rather than “you” and how does that effect conversation?
How much small-talk can I inject into my introduction without seeming fake?
Do I really care about the small-talk I generate?
Where will it leave us if I only address small-talk?
When my adrenaline gets pumpin’, do I get fidgety and distracted?
Do I stand with my arms crossed tightly at my chest? If so, what message does this send?
What do I need to do to center my emotions and control my responses?
Am I capable of speaking in a gentle, nonthreatening tone?
Is my tone genuine or an attempt to evade the real issue?
Will I further alienate him/her? How?
Am I likely to apologize then rescind?
Am I prepared to be rejected?
Am I prepared to be forgiven?
These types of questions can increase approachability on both sides.
In all cases, timing is a major issue. While some of us feel that we justly deserve action and response, we must resist living by our own agendas, and instead surrender to God’s agenda for us and for others. For those of you who have ever felt the need to approach someone and who are living with broken bridges and remorse, I ask, “What are you waiting for? What’s stopping you?” It’s cliché but true: None of us know what will happen from one moment to the next. Allow the Lord to fill you with the courage to effectively speak to those you have wounded. Then, swallow the lump in your throat and seek relational mending.
