As fall approaches, the temperature drops, daylight is shortened, and kids return to school, it’s helpful to remember how changes in life can socially influence us and others.
Relational aggression seems to heighten during transitional periods, especially at the adolescent level, as kids advance in grade levels and go back to school. A lot can happen during the summer break. It can be a convenient time to alter or dissolve friendships for many reasons—Maybe a girl doesn’t know how or is scared to end a relationship and uses the break to ignore a friend. Because girls don’t have to see each other every day, it’s easier to avoid communication. One girl might get dumped from her group while another is brought on board to replace her. Maybe she crossed unknown territory by dating an “off-limits” guy who she met at the mall. Maybe her friends became envious after she went on vacation and posted all of her pictures on Facebook. Maybe the group felt as if she didn’t spend enough time with them. Maybe she was viewed as too strong or just plain annoying. There are too many summer scenarios to name that can cause girls to be targets of social aggression in the new school year.
Even adults can see and feel this when they switch churches or jobs, get a promotion, move to a different community, or return from a vacation. Anytime transitions like these occur, social networks can shift and therefore power dynamics can be altered, allowing opportunity for RA.
Preparing to be targeted after a transition, by simply recognizing that it might occur, can help you avoid the stress and headache of trying to figure out questions like, “What did I do to her/them!?” and “Why am I being excluded or looked down upon?” Know that you don’t have to get down on yourself for not fitting in or for being harassed, and know that the treatment you’re receiving has less to do with you, personally, and more to do with other people adapting to change within their social spheres.
Have faith that people will eventually come around if they are given the time to adjust, even if it seems to come at your own emotional expense. However, if the RA escalates, don’t disregard it as insignificant drama. Take a stand by being direct and documenting and communicating incidences to school administrators, teachers, parents, and/or authorities (and adults to supervisors and your Human Resources department).
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Dealing with Fakeness
One of the biggest complaints I hear from girls is that they often feel as if other girls are acting fake. They say things like, “She’s nice to me when teachers and parents are around but when they leave she goes back to acting mean and hanging around the same people.” Fakeness angers girls because they see it played out, right in front of them, yet indirectly. It comes from double-edged, two-faced, dishonest actions like taking back apologies, breaking promises, truth-twisting, or indecisiveness in friendships. These kinds of behaviors leave girls distrustful and wary of participating in solid, meaningful future relationships. I should know … I’m that girl-who-got-burned, turned always-assuming, ever-suspicious woman—a role that continues to bring me many social frustrations.
Recently, I ran into one of my old basketball teammates at a function for my dad’s business. I hadn’t seen her since high school, and I certainly didn’t expect to see her now, cheerfully calling my name. I was on my way to get a Coke, and she was in my path to the beverage troughs. I knew I couldn’t avoid her, so I approached openly and politely, surrendering to her how-are-yous and what-have-you-been-up-tos, yet immediately questioning her motive. It seemed so effortless and normal for her to speak to me. As she stood gathered around three other people, all I could think of was my last memory of her … It was senior year. We were in the locker-room after our final game in the state tournament. While several of our teammates stood around, unnecessarily screaming at me for supposedly losing the game and ruining the season, she stood staring at me, speechless. That was right before I told everyone to [blank, blank, blank] and ran out in tears. Her face was the last image I saw, and it’s still stuck in my memory.
There at the business event, whether she knew it or not, it was difficult for me to talk to her. My pain resurfaced. Maybe we didn’t share the exact same reflection, but I was sure she remembered the incident, and I longed for her to articulate authenticity regarding it. I wanted her to come up to me, step outside her audience, and have a real conversation about that last memory, but she never did. All the while, I kept my distance and struggled with what I needed to do to effectively express myself as a forgiving Christian. A few times, I caught sight of her out on the dance floor, free spiritedly letting loose. I couldn’t ward off the resentment that festered inside me. I thought, “That’s it?! That’s all you’re going to say to me?! Did you impress the people who you are with? Make them think you could never do wrong?” I was convinced she was keeping herself occupied so she didn’t have to have that in-depth conversation with me. And at that moment, I viewed her as a fake.
It took a few days before my head cooled. My mom helped dismiss my negative, paranoid assumptions and reminded me of how I, myself, wouldn’t want to be judged if I were in my old teammate’s position. So many of us say, “Don’t judge me,” then we turn around and do a superb job of judging others, just as I was doing now. To some extent, judgment is natural, but we must not allow ourselves to get carried away in destructive emotion. That weekend, I knew I was getting carried away when I was overcome with anger, when I began making jabs toward my old teammate, and when I thought I knew much more than I actually did.
The truth was that I didn’t know my teammate’s intentions, and I had no empathy toward her. I think it’s difficult for people to approach someone who they know has been hurt. I didn’t consider that this young woman might be nervous or why she might be nervous, or whether she was simply trying to move into a more serious discussion, or if I was completely off and she was genuinely being nice to me. Instead, I allowed my previous associations with her to play into my present feelings toward her. I got critical, and I most likely misinterpreted her actions. Only through stepping away from the experience was I able to analyze my own emotions, and determine what kind of future results I wanted to work toward.
Many of us can sense, what we feel, is fakeness in others. Much of the time, it’s instinctual, and it just might be a good idea to go with our guts so we don’t get played (at least not too often). However, we also have to strive to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when we, ourselves, are hurting. We have to ask ourselves why we feel the other person is acting fake … Is it really because she/he has obvious issues with being real? Or is it because our own preconceived emotions and perceptions guide us toward this view? Is it because the other person doesn’t understand our boundaries? Has she been held accountable to respect our boundaries? Is it because proper, direct communication isn’t implemented?
I know I certainly didn’t do a good job of letting my teammate know my boundaries and needs. My current downfall is that I feel that because I made the first move through writing my book and publicly tackling this issue, others should respond to me. The trouble is that my first move doesn’t obligate anyone to reply. If I want a response, I have to ask for it instead of standing back and making judgments. The next time, I come in contact with this old teammate, I hope we’ll have much more to talk about, provided the environment permits discussion. Thank God for experiences like these—experiences that help me prepare for future run-ins, slow my assumptions, and strive for a better understanding of others.
Recently, I ran into one of my old basketball teammates at a function for my dad’s business. I hadn’t seen her since high school, and I certainly didn’t expect to see her now, cheerfully calling my name. I was on my way to get a Coke, and she was in my path to the beverage troughs. I knew I couldn’t avoid her, so I approached openly and politely, surrendering to her how-are-yous and what-have-you-been-up-tos, yet immediately questioning her motive. It seemed so effortless and normal for her to speak to me. As she stood gathered around three other people, all I could think of was my last memory of her … It was senior year. We were in the locker-room after our final game in the state tournament. While several of our teammates stood around, unnecessarily screaming at me for supposedly losing the game and ruining the season, she stood staring at me, speechless. That was right before I told everyone to [blank, blank, blank] and ran out in tears. Her face was the last image I saw, and it’s still stuck in my memory.
There at the business event, whether she knew it or not, it was difficult for me to talk to her. My pain resurfaced. Maybe we didn’t share the exact same reflection, but I was sure she remembered the incident, and I longed for her to articulate authenticity regarding it. I wanted her to come up to me, step outside her audience, and have a real conversation about that last memory, but she never did. All the while, I kept my distance and struggled with what I needed to do to effectively express myself as a forgiving Christian. A few times, I caught sight of her out on the dance floor, free spiritedly letting loose. I couldn’t ward off the resentment that festered inside me. I thought, “That’s it?! That’s all you’re going to say to me?! Did you impress the people who you are with? Make them think you could never do wrong?” I was convinced she was keeping herself occupied so she didn’t have to have that in-depth conversation with me. And at that moment, I viewed her as a fake.
It took a few days before my head cooled. My mom helped dismiss my negative, paranoid assumptions and reminded me of how I, myself, wouldn’t want to be judged if I were in my old teammate’s position. So many of us say, “Don’t judge me,” then we turn around and do a superb job of judging others, just as I was doing now. To some extent, judgment is natural, but we must not allow ourselves to get carried away in destructive emotion. That weekend, I knew I was getting carried away when I was overcome with anger, when I began making jabs toward my old teammate, and when I thought I knew much more than I actually did.
The truth was that I didn’t know my teammate’s intentions, and I had no empathy toward her. I think it’s difficult for people to approach someone who they know has been hurt. I didn’t consider that this young woman might be nervous or why she might be nervous, or whether she was simply trying to move into a more serious discussion, or if I was completely off and she was genuinely being nice to me. Instead, I allowed my previous associations with her to play into my present feelings toward her. I got critical, and I most likely misinterpreted her actions. Only through stepping away from the experience was I able to analyze my own emotions, and determine what kind of future results I wanted to work toward.
Many of us can sense, what we feel, is fakeness in others. Much of the time, it’s instinctual, and it just might be a good idea to go with our guts so we don’t get played (at least not too often). However, we also have to strive to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when we, ourselves, are hurting. We have to ask ourselves why we feel the other person is acting fake … Is it really because she/he has obvious issues with being real? Or is it because our own preconceived emotions and perceptions guide us toward this view? Is it because the other person doesn’t understand our boundaries? Has she been held accountable to respect our boundaries? Is it because proper, direct communication isn’t implemented?
I know I certainly didn’t do a good job of letting my teammate know my boundaries and needs. My current downfall is that I feel that because I made the first move through writing my book and publicly tackling this issue, others should respond to me. The trouble is that my first move doesn’t obligate anyone to reply. If I want a response, I have to ask for it instead of standing back and making judgments. The next time, I come in contact with this old teammate, I hope we’ll have much more to talk about, provided the environment permits discussion. Thank God for experiences like these—experiences that help me prepare for future run-ins, slow my assumptions, and strive for a better understanding of others.
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