Dealing with Fakeness

One of the biggest complaints I hear from girls is that they often feel as if other girls are acting fake. They say things like, “She’s nice to me when teachers and parents are around but when they leave she goes back to acting mean and hanging around the same people.” Fakeness angers girls because they see it played out, right in front of them, yet indirectly. It comes from double-edged, two-faced, dishonest actions like taking back apologies, breaking promises, truth-twisting, or indecisiveness in friendships. These kinds of behaviors leave girls distrustful and wary of participating in solid, meaningful future relationships. I should know … I’m that girl-who-got-burned, turned always-assuming, ever-suspicious woman—a role that continues to bring me many social frustrations.

Recently, I ran into one of my old basketball teammates at a function for my dad’s business. I hadn’t seen her since high school, and I certainly didn’t expect to see her now, cheerfully calling my name. I was on my way to get a Coke, and she was in my path to the beverage troughs. I knew I couldn’t avoid her, so I approached openly and politely, surrendering to her how-are-yous and what-have-you-been-up-tos, yet immediately questioning her motive. It seemed so effortless and normal for her to speak to me. As she stood gathered around three other people, all I could think of was my last memory of her … It was senior year. We were in the locker-room after our final game in the state tournament. While several of our teammates stood around, unnecessarily screaming at me for supposedly losing the game and ruining the season, she stood staring at me, speechless. That was right before I told everyone to [blank, blank, blank] and ran out in tears. Her face was the last image I saw, and it’s still stuck in my memory.

There at the business event, whether she knew it or not, it was difficult for me to talk to her. My pain resurfaced. Maybe we didn’t share the exact same reflection, but I was sure she remembered the incident, and I longed for her to articulate authenticity regarding it. I wanted her to come up to me, step outside her audience, and have a real conversation about that last memory, but she never did. All the while, I kept my distance and struggled with what I needed to do to effectively express myself as a forgiving Christian. A few times, I caught sight of her out on the dance floor, free spiritedly letting loose. I couldn’t ward off the resentment that festered inside me. I thought, “That’s it?! That’s all you’re going to say to me?! Did you impress the people who you are with? Make them think you could never do wrong?” I was convinced she was keeping herself occupied so she didn’t have to have that in-depth conversation with me. And at that moment, I viewed her as a fake.

It took a few days before my head cooled. My mom helped dismiss my negative, paranoid assumptions and reminded me of how I, myself, wouldn’t want to be judged if I were in my old teammate’s position. So many of us say, “Don’t judge me,” then we turn around and do a superb job of judging others, just as I was doing now. To some extent, judgment is natural, but we must not allow ourselves to get carried away in destructive emotion. That weekend, I knew I was getting carried away when I was overcome with anger, when I began making jabs toward my old teammate, and when I thought I knew much more than I actually did.

The truth was that I didn’t know my teammate’s intentions, and I had no empathy toward her. I think it’s difficult for people to approach someone who they know has been hurt. I didn’t consider that this young woman might be nervous or why she might be nervous, or whether she was simply trying to move into a more serious discussion, or if I was completely off and she was genuinely being nice to me. Instead, I allowed my previous associations with her to play into my present feelings toward her. I got critical, and I most likely misinterpreted her actions. Only through stepping away from the experience was I able to analyze my own emotions, and determine what kind of future results I wanted to work toward.

Many of us can sense, what we feel, is fakeness in others. Much of the time, it’s instinctual, and it just might be a good idea to go with our guts so we don’t get played (at least not too often). However, we also have to strive to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when we, ourselves, are hurting. We have to ask ourselves why we feel the other person is acting fake … Is it really because she/he has obvious issues with being real? Or is it because our own preconceived emotions and perceptions guide us toward this view? Is it because the other person doesn’t understand our boundaries? Has she been held accountable to respect our boundaries? Is it because proper, direct communication isn’t implemented?

I know I certainly didn’t do a good job of letting my teammate know my boundaries and needs. My current downfall is that I feel that because I made the first move through writing my book and publicly tackling this issue, others should respond to me. The trouble is that my first move doesn’t obligate anyone to reply. If I want a response, I have to ask for it instead of standing back and making judgments. The next time, I come in contact with this old teammate, I hope we’ll have much more to talk about, provided the environment permits discussion. Thank God for experiences like these—experiences that help me prepare for future run-ins, slow my assumptions, and strive for a better understanding of others.