Schools CAN Take Action

A few weeks ago, I shared a shortened version of my story with students at a small, county school is south central Ohio. The kids responded as kids usually respond. A few of them asked questions and more of them sat and stared with those restrained expressions, looks that seemed to say they were about to explode with inquiry and/or heartache but also that they weren't willing to share just at that moment, place or around those people--the very people who might laugh at their speaking up or go tell others about the crybaby snitch who stayed behind to talk. Even the slightest show of support for a topic such as bullying could mean social suicide for a student.

Although I carry a youthful presence as a petite, 5'2", 27 year-old and am sometimes mistaken for a new student, it takes me weeks and sometimes months to build trust with teenagers. They'll talk--eventually--because so many of them crave emotional release to a trusted adult.

When I first began The Triumph Organization, I possessed no desire to work within the education system. My goal was to focus on the Church. However, once I started marketing my book and Triumph, I found God consistently nudging me toward those loud, crowded hallways, cliquey cafeterias, and judgmentally-filled gym bleachers. I feared the resistance of girls. I feared they wouldn't listen to me, that they would be those same girls I had known in high school, who would condemn me for everything from my outfit to my southern Ohio, hillbilly twang. Yet, as I entered into this arena, I was instantly mistaken by my own insecurity.

Over the course of the last two years, I've spoken to thousands of people about RA, and with the exception of only a few encounters with mean-spirited, unmoved Queen Bees and their followings, I've found that girls latch hold of this topic like they've been waiting for someone to tell them about it their entire lives. I see this when, during my talks, girls lean out of their seats, eyebrows raised, to get a "who does that sound like" reaction from a friend sitting across the room. They zone-in on my every sentence.

Girls want this. One-hundred percent of Triumph's workshop post-feedback forms indicate that girls want me to come speak at their schools. They want to read literature that addresses RA. They want direction in dealing with their friendship dramas. Unfortunately, they are constantly bombarded with contradictory images that tell them gossiping about and fighting with other girls is normal, vital and even sexy. And when they see and hear their parents, teachers and other adults failing to set an example and instead actively participating in RA (some just as much as adolescents), girls face no choice but to accept it and partake in it, to thrive on others' downfalls and gun for those who are determined to achieve success or pose some type of problem or competition.

This is unacceptable to me. I know we live in a culture that argues gossip is freedom of speech and lack of morals is simply freedom of expression. This attitude gives our school systems the right to say, "We can't do anything to prevent gossiping or backstabbing," "This behavior is just girls being girls [kids being kids]," "It's totally up to parents to teach their children," and "It's too late to reach these teenagers now." I've heard it all before. I heard it while I was a student. I currently hear it from those within the schools I attempt to enter. And I hear it from girls who come to me, time-and-time again, to vent about the adults who don't listen. Frankly, I think this is bull. It's bull that I heard it. It's bull that people use these ignorant excuses. And it's bull that one-third of students feel disregarded when addressing issues of bullying. (Garbarino & deLara, And Words Can Hurt Forever)

I know there are educators who are motivated to make a difference, and I commend them for their efforts. Sadly, these brave individuals usually stand alone in their school systems. Where I'm from, they're surrounded by good ol' boys and girls who adamantly avoid rocking the socially political boats of their school districts, who go along to get along, who refuse to implement preventative programs, and who condone the behavior directly or indirectly by not taking action and participating in RA themselves.

I understand that a student cannot necessarily be put in detention or suspended for hearsay, for deciding to betray a friend, or for creating a social alliance that gives a target the silent treatment. However, this does not mean that schools cannot create a healthy atmosphere of respectful and encouragement. Studies show that it takes five years of regular program implementation to change the attitudes of those within a school system (Ophelia Project). It's hard work, and it takes time. It means that teachers first have to educate themselves about RA, why it occurs and how to approach it. They have to be real with themselves and analyze how RA has impacted their own lives, not just as victims but as aggressors and bystanders as well. With increased knowledge, teachers will then be empowered to end negative group conversations within classrooms and hallways instead of obsessing over possible phone calls from aggressors' parents and the relational wrath of the girls whom the system is supposed to have control over. It means administrators and educators can no longer respond with, "Ignore it," "Get over it" and "Move on." It means getting back to getting involved ... Asking a student to stay a few minutes after class to try to empathize and identify with her or his situation or interfering during those catty cafeteria grudge matches. As a student, it's what I would've wanted.

When I was in school, obviously struggling to get through the day, I was never once approached by an educator. No one ever said, "Hey Tami. I know it's rough out there. How ya dealin'? Oh, and if you ever need to talk to someone, you're welcome to come find me." Every educator who I sought empathy and counsel from wrote me off. My principal basically told me I was imagining my bullying. My guidance counselor told me to ignore it and that I was crazy to think of home schooling. My coach said we were too far into the season to start dealing with my problems. And some of my teachers actually participated in destructive discussion about me, or they hid behind their newspaper and acted as though they had no desire or power to intervene. Talk about feeling neglected and alone! This is WRONG and not just because it happened to me, but because it happens to kids on a daily basis.

Why should we have such apathy toward adolescent social dilemmas? Where is the empathy? Kind gestures and standing up and saying, "Nope, not in my classroom" can really impact students' lives and teach them moral values and leadership skills. If schools could first initiate a basic effort and model of collective compassion, they would be able to deal with the complex intricacies of this issue more easily and productively. They must understand they cannot simply invite an organization like Triumph in for a few hours of work then later respond with, "Well, that was good and informative, but it just didn't stick." Of course it won't stick if there is no reinforcement within the environment!

Educators, I encourage you to meet anti-bullying advocates in the middle of this issue. Please stop making excuses and deal with RA at square one by educating yourself, your peers and your students. Work to be that teacher who isn't concerned with his or her own popularity among the students and faculty and instead set an example and hold others accountable for their relationally aggressive actions.

May God bless those few individuals and schools that succeed at this concept, and may He have mercy on those who don't make an effort, who gather in the teachers' lounge or the main office, unable to control their emotions and tongues, taking time away from or totally disregarding the very students whom they initially set out to encourage and mentor. These "professionals" will be held accountable. (Romans 14:12)