You Are Not Who They Say You Are

In your relationships, people will say mean things about you and do mean things to you. They will criticize and pass judgment on you. They will hurt your feelings. Their words and actions will leave lasting impressions.

Lately, I've remembered several comments made toward me in my early youth, and all these years later, the words still sting and inflict insecuirty.

A few evenings ago, my husband brushed a little piece of hair behind my ear and commented on how it's his favorite part of my hair. I shied away because someone had once called my "wings" sideburns and related them to a man's haircut. The remark made me feel ugly and impure. And although I no longer feel this way, to this day, I always make sure the pieces of hair are brushed or hairsprayed back. I see it as my attempt to prevent others from making me feel the same ugliness that I felt at that moment as a child.

Another one of my long-lasting sensitivities arose in middle school, at a friend's sleepover. I remember that a few of the girls were down in the basement, and the rest of us were lying on the floor at the top of the stairs with our feet propped up on a wall. One of my friends said that my toes looked like bananas and then the rest of the girls laughed. My face turned red with anger, and the girls gave me a hard time for it. I wanted to cry, but I held back tears. Now, as an adult, I love to wear flip-flops and sandals, but nearly every time I look at my toes, I am reminded of my friend's comment and of those who have made similar comments since. I actually like my toes, but I get upset when people call them "banana toes" or "long toes." I still don't understand why people have to point-out others' physical appearance, as I consider it distasteful and rude to tell someone her/her body or clothes don't live up to or fit into society's idea of perfection.

There are a number of other examples I could reel off. Many people assume that because I was never the overweight, smelly, awkward kid that I never got picked on or bullied, but I did. And it seems as if everyone has similar stories or hidden scars.

I understand that most people view this as "kids being kids," but I want to make sure that this entry is not focused upon debating that stance or even reasoning aggression. This entry is for the people who have been verbally and psychologically tormented, whether it is from a pain you have carried with you from childhood or from a more sophisticated, organized, and calcuated attack in adulthood. This is for those whose reputations have been damaged or destroyed, who have been labeled the "town [fill in the blank]," who have been ostracized from their friendship circles or run out of their communities, who have a difficult time forgetting the name-calling, betrayal, and hateful glares, because they still encounter the people who behave no differently than they did as adolescents.

Perhaps these aggressors might view you the same way they did in the past. You don't have to agree with their bullying, but you must accept the fact that you have no control over the choices they make. You do, however, have control over the choices you make.

In my own personal experience, when I return to my hometown, no matter how many dirty looks and under-the-breath remarks are made when I enter a restaurant or go to the grocery store, I have concluded that even if people think they know me, I know that I am not who they say I am.

They don't know me, they haven't in quite a while, and maybe they never really did (and vice versa). Despite having written a very personal book that is intended to encourage readers' self-examination, I know the people from my past cannot possibly grasp the fullness of what occured in my life and heart. I have realized that no matter how much I desire to postively influence these people, I am not meant to reach all of them. Thankfully, I now know there are reasons behind their RA, personal reasons that don't have much, if anything, to do with me. I know that regardless of their actions, I don't want to be that hypocrite who wrote a book, instructing readers to forgive and love, but doesn't work to fulfill my own words, which stem from God's Word. I don't want to be that person who recites Bible verses but doesn't back them up. I am an incredibly intentional person, and through my writing, I have challenged myself to uphold the values that I believe in, and, hopefully, inspire others to believe in what I believe in. That is how I have control over the choices I make. I focus on what I can do, on the actions God requires me to take, instead of on what my aggressors do to or say about me.

I know I am not who they say I am, and you don't have to be who they say you are. Whether you have carried someone's wounding words from childhood into adulthood, or you feel as if you can't peacefully return to your hometown community, or you're stuck in a town or a family in which you can't escape the wrath of relational aggression and judgment, you can still rise up from the mocking nicknames and a tattered reputation by allowing Christ to heal your social bruises. In Him, our images are beautiful and highly regarded. We are viewed from a perspective that no person could ever fully see--the only perspective that ultimately matters.

May the following verses help you know that you are not who they say you are, but you are strengthened and shielded by Christ:

Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side-by-side with those who were so treated ... So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised ... We are not those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. --Hebrews 10: 32-39

We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has give us. --Romans 5: 3-5